Friday, July 27, 2007

"You give and take away."

Pslam 34:1 - "I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips."

(The beautiful roses my husband brought home for me on Wednesday evening.)

It has taken me a few days to decide if and how to post about this. But here I am, oodles of thoughts and feelings racing around in my heart and mind, and now I will try to give them voice. It is my prayer that perhaps some part of what I am about to share will draw you closer to my precious Lord, that He will be glorified.

On Saturday July 21st, I took a pregancy test and it was positive! Those of you who have ever seen two lines in that little window know what joy emmediately filled my heart. I looked in the bathroom mirror at my smiling face with my hand gently covering my stomach. Right away, visions of this little person growing inside of me began to form. "Who would they look like? Was it a boy or a girl? How would we adjust to having three children three years and under?" This baby wasn't "planned", I had just weaned Chloe not even a month prior and really wasn't expecting my body to return to fertility so quickly. After 8 months post-weaning Emma with no return to cycling and then taking clomid to induce ovulation, which God used to give us Chloe, I must admit Travis and I were a bit synical, and therefore not as "cautious" as we could have been. But as shocked and nervous as we were upon receiving this blessed news, we quickly grew into the idea that we would be becoming a family of five in nine months!
My mind started churning with plans for moving Chloe into Emma's room and giving them a girly haven while decorating the nursery for this new little one. Emmediately I was dreaming of those first movements I would feel inside my womb, the dance my hand would do with tiny feet as they moved accross my belly.
Then...Tuesday night arrived. A routine trip to the bathroom brought everything crashing down. Yes, that's when the miscarriage started. I don't think I'll ever look at the color red the same again. It started out slowly, "maybe this is implantation spotting" I thought, "surely it will stop soon." I called my sister, my mom, Jenn each time hoping they would tell me it's going to be okay, this is normal, when deep inside I knew it wasn't. Sleep came slowly that night, after tears in Travis's arms and praying for peace, comfort, and assurance of God's soveriegnty in this heartbreak. My eyes opened Wednesday morning, was this real, was I really losing this baby? "Catch me father, carry me. I will praise you because you are good!" I prayed. The blood test I had taken on Tuesday to confirm that I was pregnant came back and yes, I was in fact pregnant and therefore miscarrying. His peace poured over me, I can't explain it. It was well with my soul.
"Thank you Father, for this beautiful life you created in my womb, for gracing us with this tiny soul. Thank you for creating each life with purpose, be glorified in and through this baby. Lord, as the song says, "you give and take away...my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be your name!"

14 comments:

Michelle said...

Oh Sarah, I am so, so sorry for your loss. Your faith is obviously strong and carrying you through a difficult time, how lucky you are to have that faith to get you through - as I'm sure you're aware, many don't have that faith and unfortunately something like this would be difficult enough to get through w/out faith. I wish I could give you a hug.

Schuchard Family said...

Hi Sarah. My heart aches for you in this time of loss, my first pregnancy was identical to what you are going through. The feelings of joy followed so closely by feelings of sadness. Please know that I am here for you if you ever need an understanding ear! I love you very much! God is in control and NOTHING surprises Him! Cool huh? Lauren

Andrea said...

Sarah,
I am glad that you felt like you could express this--I'm sure it helped.
Let me just say how sorry I am to hear about your miscarriage. But it sounds like you are resting in His love, His arms, and you are peaceful. For that I am thankful.
*hugs* to you, Sarah...

Amber L. said...

Beautifull flowers. What a sweetie your husband is. Your blog made me cry. I continue to pray for you. I know you know you will hold your baby in your arms someday, but for now he/she is in our fathers arms. I love you guys so much and can't wait to see you in a few weeks.

Jennisa said...

Oh Sarah...so heartbroken to hear of your news, but so happy that you are feeling okay. Yes, He does give and take away, and even though we don't understand, isn't it great that He's in control...not us?!

I will put you on my prayer list!

Christine said...

I am so, so sorry for what you are going through. I had no idea of your struggle this week. I can't believe you came and encouraged me with my tiny problem when you were going through the pain of loss. I am feeling grateful and guilty at the same time. I will say a special prayer for you today.

Amy said...

Oh...beautiful words, Sarah. What a testament to God's work in your life. I'm so sorry for your loss...so happy for your peace. love, Amy

mer said...

Sarah,

I stumbled across your blog this morning, and though I don't know you, my heart aches right along with yours. I'm praying that God will hold you close and catch every tear that falls. Thank you for your courage and vulnerability in posting about this. I appreciate your honesty.

Oh...and I live in Colorado too! I love it here!

Munchkin Land said...

Oh Sarah! You know I read this on Friday, but this is the first I've been online all weekend. You are an amazing testimony. I am so honored to call you friend and to be able to share this experience with you. I am SO sorry for your loss. You have shown such courage and strength; so much so, that it could only be from one source, our Father. I love you! And know that I am here for you...

Alycia said...

Dear Sarah, I am so sorry...I have been in those moments of grief and peace through my miscarriages as well. It is hard to explain and I am thankful that you have your faith to carry you and your husband through this time. By sharing your faith and experiences through your loss on your blog ~ you are and will continue to touch so many lives for God's glory. If you ever, ever need anything please let me know. I have some healing/helpful books that were a great source of encouragement and a way to acknowledge the life inside created inside of me. I would be happy to pass on the titles. Hugs to you.

Deidre said...

I'm so sorry for your loss, Sarah. You are a picture of grace the way you are praising your heavenly Father during this time. You are in my prayers!

Elise said...

Oh, Sarah. I wish I could hug you and look into your eyes right now. What beautiful words of faith, in the midst of such pain! I am so sorry that you had to go through this.

I've been through two miscarriages before Eliana, and I know that moment of finding the sign of impending miscarriage is devastating - I could feel your shock and confusion. Praise God you could reach out to Him and hold on tight - and praise God for your sweet husband as well.

I hope you are doing better... still praying...

Michelle said...

I stumbled across your blog this morning and I am so sorry for your loss.
You and your family are in our prayers. Take care and try to get some rest!

God Bless
Michelle

FunkyMonkeyJunk said...

Sarah, I am so sorry. I too have experienced this same thing before. It is heartwrenching every time. Give yourself time to heal. In the meantime, you are under the arm of our loving Father.

Blessings,
Andi