Sunday, October 04, 2009

This Wall

Life seems to be moving along pretty predictably at the moment. We have settled into Emma's school year and are finding our new daily routine accordingly. But there is a struggle within that I've had a hard time giving voice. I need to be vulnerable here, I need to be real. I need to share this because I long for growth and change.
I have been in a valley in my walk for awhile now. I suppose we all define these times differently, perhaps we call it a dry spell, feeling distant from the Lord, but whatever we call it, it's not a comfortable place to be. It is as if, on the other side of this wall in front of me, a short wall that I could easily climb, there is this intimacy with the Lord that I long for but can't seem to reach. And it's not as if my legs are trapped in concrete, preventing me from climbing this wall, no... I could jump right over any old time, but instead I sit, somehow content in my complacency, waiting... for what I'm not sure, but feeling lost and alone. And the hardest part to understand is that in my head and my heart, I know that time in the Word and prayer, surrounding myself with the Body, all these things will take me closer to what I long for. But it's as if my current failure and distance keep me wallowing in defeat, afraid to let His grace and mercy be new each morning, afraid to listen to the Holy Spirit and what He might ask of me. Why does it seem easier to look to other things for fulfillment, settling for second best when I know in my heart that God has so much more for me? Why do I try to hide from Him, the seer and knower of all? Why do I turn away from His promptings and invitations to know Him and love Him more? Why am I afraid that He may ask me to suffer for the sake of His glory and for my own refinement? Where is my faith, my assurance that this is not my home?! Why do I settle into false comforts, quenching the abundant life by filling my mind and my time with the temporal? "Father, I beg you to jump over this wall and snatch me up! Carry me over, into your presence, into that life-giving relationship with You I once knew. I am weak, be my strength! Build me up, challenge me, refine me, walk with me Aba! I need you, not just when times are hard and I'm crying out for help, not just on Sunday mornings, but every minute of every day sweet Jesus! I am thirsty, give me your living water! I am hungry for You! Don't let me dry up in this dessert. Refine me, even with fire, fill me up, find me and fill me. Thank you for your grace, for never giving up on me, for being always faithful, though I am not. I'm running to your Word now, pull me over this wall! Amen".