Sunday, October 04, 2009

This Wall

Life seems to be moving along pretty predictably at the moment. We have settled into Emma's school year and are finding our new daily routine accordingly. But there is a struggle within that I've had a hard time giving voice. I need to be vulnerable here, I need to be real. I need to share this because I long for growth and change.
I have been in a valley in my walk for awhile now. I suppose we all define these times differently, perhaps we call it a dry spell, feeling distant from the Lord, but whatever we call it, it's not a comfortable place to be. It is as if, on the other side of this wall in front of me, a short wall that I could easily climb, there is this intimacy with the Lord that I long for but can't seem to reach. And it's not as if my legs are trapped in concrete, preventing me from climbing this wall, no... I could jump right over any old time, but instead I sit, somehow content in my complacency, waiting... for what I'm not sure, but feeling lost and alone. And the hardest part to understand is that in my head and my heart, I know that time in the Word and prayer, surrounding myself with the Body, all these things will take me closer to what I long for. But it's as if my current failure and distance keep me wallowing in defeat, afraid to let His grace and mercy be new each morning, afraid to listen to the Holy Spirit and what He might ask of me. Why does it seem easier to look to other things for fulfillment, settling for second best when I know in my heart that God has so much more for me? Why do I try to hide from Him, the seer and knower of all? Why do I turn away from His promptings and invitations to know Him and love Him more? Why am I afraid that He may ask me to suffer for the sake of His glory and for my own refinement? Where is my faith, my assurance that this is not my home?! Why do I settle into false comforts, quenching the abundant life by filling my mind and my time with the temporal? "Father, I beg you to jump over this wall and snatch me up! Carry me over, into your presence, into that life-giving relationship with You I once knew. I am weak, be my strength! Build me up, challenge me, refine me, walk with me Aba! I need you, not just when times are hard and I'm crying out for help, not just on Sunday mornings, but every minute of every day sweet Jesus! I am thirsty, give me your living water! I am hungry for You! Don't let me dry up in this dessert. Refine me, even with fire, fill me up, find me and fill me. Thank you for your grace, for never giving up on me, for being always faithful, though I am not. I'm running to your Word now, pull me over this wall! Amen".

10 comments:

Andrea said...

Sarah,
God will honor your heart's cry. Seek Him. Be obedient. It's wonderful you can be so honest and vulnerable and authentic.

Maryann said...

My dear friend! I feel for you being in this place. The Lord will come for you.
If I may, I feel perhaps you are being too hard on yourself. The Lord knows your heart and He of above all is gentle with it. Rest is His Peace my sister, be gentle to yourself as the Lord is. We are all just His little sheep who wander away sometimes, but He will seek and care for us. Be a vulnerable little sheep Sarah, do not berate yourself. Lie down and wait on Him, He is right there ready to carry you back to His flock and comfort you.
Love you.

Julie said...

Sweet friend, you just took the beautiful step of fainting into the arms of your Savior. Though I don't understand it, I believe God uses seasons of silence in significant ways in our faith journey. Keep crying out in honesty and one day you will look back and see the treasures from your darkness. He is your Faithful and True, and what freedom we have as His children to be frail and fickle!
Love you and praying...
Julie

Summers Family said...

I go through periods of feeling the same way. I am there now.
I appreciated your honesty.

This weekend was the conference broadcast and one of the speakers (Elders Watson) talked about being tempered. He talked about how tempered glass (like a windshield) is baked hard so that it can withstand more than the regular glass. Then he talked about being a temperate person, I have thought about that all day.
The other talk was by a man (Elder Renlund) who is a doctor. He talked about what has to happen to receive a heart transplant, and what has to be done so the body doesn't reject the new heart. Applying it spiritually, we have the little things (read, pray, serve) to ensure that the new heart the Lord has given us, isn't rejected because we don't take care of it. It is a gradual process, but one that cannot be neglected.
I hope that we are both shaking off the dust and climbing (or reaching for the outstretched hand) over the wall.
I love you Sarah, I miss you and our visits. My in-laws moved to Durango (from Hawaii), so maybe we will end up in your neck of the woods some time soon.

Mary said...

I usually lurk on here Sarah, but I am so where you are at right now. My blog has been ringing with these same words for a while now and I just wanted you to know that I will be praying for you to get up, walk up to that wall, climb right on over and sit at Jesus' feet. He's waiting for you!

MamaVigil said...

Very encouraging. I have been in a similar spot so it was comforting to hear from you. I am covering you in prayer -

Sheri said...

Oh my precious, beautiful, sister in Christ... you are in such a wonderful place right now. So often we walk through this life comfortable, complacent, and watered down in our faith. You my friend are hungry, passionately seeking HIS face!

Satan would like to discourage you, but please remember that all through the Bible, heroes of our faith went through times in the desert. Even our Savior did! What a deep place of growth you are in, ready to move into the holy of holies, closer to our DADDY's Heart! Keep seeking, keep asking, keep listening, and keep meditating on His Word... You are a woman of virtue, a wife of noble character, and a godly mama! Our Father is just beginning to show you His goodness! I look forward to hearing more about this journey sweet Sarah!

"Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me. Do not cast me from your presence or take your Holy Spirit from me. Restore to me the joy of your salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." ~ Psalm 51:1-12

Front Porch Society said...

I came here via Sheri's blog....

Thank you for sharing this. I know exactly how you feel and what you mean.

Tate said...

Sarah,

Thank you for sharing. You put into words a lot of how I'm feeling, too! I look forward to hearing more about your walk. So thankful He is gracious, and puts us in community to walk together!

Christina

Beverly said...

Friend. You are a blessing with your transparency. You are such a testimony of a sensitive heart. I know exactly what you mean for I have times like this too.
God Bless. Love to you.